we're chasing vodka with high fives
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
