I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
