I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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