Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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