i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
