I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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