When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Randomize
