So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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