He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Randomize
