Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Acid is not a monday night drug
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
What a dumb baby whore.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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