I'd wear matching sweaters with you
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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