You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
