Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
and she was petting her beer can
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
