Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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