You're so nebulous sometimes
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
