I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
