I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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