Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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