The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
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