Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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