Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
