I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
