He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
