hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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