just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
