I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Randomize
