i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
