all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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