Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
