I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
he told me I talked like a deaf person
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
