so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
