Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
