i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
is that a dick in a sweater?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
