you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
