new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
