Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
