I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
