just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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