Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
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