the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
smell my finger.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
