I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
