The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
