Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
