DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
BRING THE BAGELS
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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