I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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