The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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