my phone needs a breathalizer
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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