Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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