I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
