god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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